Hi everybody! First let me say holy cow to the new look! I love it!
now, onto my issue. I liek this guy, and he's had one girlfriend and sadly she passed away about two years ago and he's never really gotten over it. (he was at the wheel when a drunk driver hit them in the passenger side, she was killed instantly) I really would like to date him but he won't let me in. He always plays the defensive side of the ball and I'm playing the offense. I'm not asking him to truly let go of her, (he's told me straight out that, "She's not dead to me.") I'm just asking him to move forward in the future a little bit. Anyone got any advice on how to help me?

One question: Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who still loves someone else?

I'd like to give it a shot. I mean he's in love with her memory. I'll have to deal with that of course but I'd like to try an date him if he'll let me get close enough.

Be there for him... be his friend. That's where a true relationship needs to start anyway. When he's ready, he'll let go a little.

I agree. I have been in this situation. I had a boyfriend that got killed in a car wreck when I was a teenager. I held on to that for so long. I did start dating another guy a while after that and he helped me through what I had been dealing with and actually helped me to live again. It's tough when you go through things like that but you can get through it and you can let someone help you. Just be there and he'll realize that he doesn't want to hurt you with the memory of someone else. Or that was the case in my situation. Good luck and I wish you and him all the happiness in the world.

I don't mean this to be funny at all, but does he like Gary? Even if not, buy him TOA and tell him to listen, so many people have been encourage by the man's music. Other than that, if you REALLY like this guy hang in there as a friend first and see what happens. I lost a very close friend who was not a boyfriend when I was 19 and it took me many years just to be ok from that. Take care.

There's this guy out there that has a song perfect for this and it's called "As Long As You're Lookin' Back"...

I got this quote the other day at the end of an e-mail, hope it helps....

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her"

Be a friend first, don't try to hard or you will push him away!

That's an awesome quote! I'm going to write that down. Here's another one for ya..

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have".

I agree totally. Perfect song for him to listen to. I myself got a lot from this song and it's the honest truth.

Be friends first - but YOU be careful in giving your heart away - if he's not ready - you'll have a hard time competing with a memory.

Well, hopefully your guy is different. I was in that situation once, my boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident during my senior year. Not sure why but it took me 10 years to really move on, maybe just cause I was so young who knows? I tried dating others but couldn't get past it, just took a lot of time. Hopefully, your guy will just continue to heal it's good that he's talking about it though. So, my best advice is if there is nobody else waiting in the wings hang in there a bit and see if maybe he's gonna turn the corner soon. Good luck! Keep us posted!

oh my gosh girls! I love you all! and yes, I have been thinking about introducing him to gary. He's not real big on him though. but i did think about TOA, and I have been listening to "looking back" and it makes me think of Matt. We had a huge scream-ish fight last night about how i push him a little too much and so i've decided to wait it out at his pace and let him open up to me when he wants to. and in doing this i closed off an old heartache i had been carrying around. i hadnt gotten over my best friend and last ngiht i saw him for the first time in about a month and he said to me, "honey, we'll never be together, you knwo that. now just let me go." and i did. he and i will always be friends, but now i got to move on, and Matt's what I want to go for.

Hang in there, and most people that haven't really listened to Gary aren't "that big" on him to begin with , but if they give him on honest chance they will love his music. Good luck.

ladies, Matt broke my heart big time. he won't even give Gary a chance!!!!! I asked him politely if he'd just listen to a song or two.... he said no. :'( But besides that I just don't know if I have the strength to do this. He pushes my moral limits pretty hard when we're together. I mean he says he respects my waiting til marriage but then he lays it on kinda thick and by that tiem i'm too far in la-la land to say stop. so that's more my fault, but still, if the man respected my morals you would think he'd take it easy on the temptation. I just don't know. and after yesterday when he was supposedly joking about beign away and cheating on me.... i knew right then something wasn't right. if the man tells me he jokes about it, means he thought about it. and he's even said he's lookin' for a peice of @$$. but i wont give it to him. but then again you would think that if he was sincere he wouldn't go get his rocks off with someone else. I just don't know anymore girls. Sometimes I wish i wasn't so sweet and caring. soemtimes i wish i could be cold and heartless just to put someone through what everyone else puts me through.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. Don't let go of your morals for anyone! I admire your strength... He will respect you, if nothing else and he will see that you are trusting God in your life and meaybe he will follow suit. KUDOS to you for standing up for what is right.

thanks hun! I love you guys!

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know this may be hard to hear...time might be the best thing to just let things settle down and let the cream rise to the top so to speak. I hope you can be strong and stick to your values, be true to yourself (in my experience, it's not worth compromising yourself value wise for a romantic relationship) and mostly enjoy the life you have. Don't lose your sweetness and caring just because the world does not seem to appreciate it. There are many people especially here that are the same way and appreciate it! Hang in there!

yeah I'm just gonna forget about him for a little while. I mean it appears that he doesnt want to be too interested in me wen we talkon the phone since he's usually playin' PS2 or something. and that drives me crazy! it's like HELLO I"M HERE!!!!!! The one you supposedly want to be with yet your ignoring me!!!!!!! ugh. i give up.

Don't let him treat you that way, you deserve better. As others have said you shouldn't do ANYTHING that you are not ready to do. I'm not sure how old you are, but trust me there's so much more to life than a guy who doesn't treat you the way you deserve. I dated a lot of real jerks before I found a good one. There's another song for this called "I'd Rather be Lonely Without You"

i know and being 20 soon isnt making it any easier. he's talkin' to me again... and that's fine but i told him this morning i was like you know i know you say your a jokester all the time but it still makes me feel weird. and he goes well honey, you dont like it, move on. nobody said you had to run with this boy, you chose to remember? and I want to run with him, but hes got to understand alot of things first. I'm thinking about going to see him this weekend for a visit and talk face to face about some things. he says he'll be hunting and such and that i'll have to hang with his momma and his sisters and his grandma. which is fine, maybe that's what i need to do, meet his family too. I mean i met his mom and dad and thigns but we didnt really talk at the time. so mayeb that's what i should do.

so my button just got pushed...

I have a 21 year old - and I know it's really hard to take someone else's advice even if they say "been there & done that". Sounds like he's "playing head games" - "if you don't like it move on" attitude - Hello? even if he was joking - tell him fine - no problem. Sounds like you're traveling some distance to see him and he says you can visit his mom because he won't be there???? Uh, no - it just sounds disrespectful all the way around. You are 20 years old -you have lots ahead of you - have fun - enjoy yourself & don't let anyone manipulate you.

ok - that was my 2cents - sorry - off the soap box now

I THINK THAT YOU NEED TO SHOW HIM YOU ARE INDEPENDENT AND A STRONG WOMAN AND DESERVE BETTER THAN HOW HE IS TREATING YOU. I HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS, 25 AND 24 AND LET ME TELL YOU, THEY WOULD NOT PUT UP WITH BEING DISREPECTED LIKE THAT. I RAISED MY DAUGHTERS TO BE INDEPENDENT, TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. DONT GET ME WRONG, BOTH OF MY SON-IN-LAWS ARE WONDERFUL MEN, BUT THEY KNOW THEY HAVE GOOD WIVES. BE STRONG, GIRL AND STAND YOUR GROUND WHEN YOU MOVE ON.

Yeah, I know I'm strong, but i'm also weak when it comes to men. it's sad. and i always get trapped with the sucky ones. I guess I'm just messed up and blind by love wen it comes to men. it's pretty sad. I know i'm worthmore but i settle for less, whats wrong with me???

He can love her forever and still fall in love again. He needs to know this. He may feel as though he's letting her down if he moves on. He may also feel that he's denying his love for her if he moves on. If he does move on and falls in love again, it does not minimize the amount of love he may feel for her forever, it just shows that he has a heart and wants and needs to love and be loved. BUT, if you really, honestly want to be with him, you can never expect him to quit loving her. He may not ever love you as much as he loved her. This does not mean that he is not loving you as complete as his heart has to offer. If you do work out, you should not compare his love for her with the love he has for you. If he remains true to you and loves you, then he is giving you all he has to give. If that would not be good enough then you should not try for the relationship. Being a friend to him now is a perfect way to show him that you will stand beside him. You hear of his loss and you still stay even though you want more. If you are meant to be, you will. Everything happens for a reason. Sincerely, I hope it works out for you because, you must really care about him to come to others for advise. Follow your heart and give it your best shot! Whether it works out or not, you will know that you gave it your all. Good Luck.

well my dear friends, I've come to the conclusion I can't be his girlfriend right now. he's not ready. I mean I offered to visit him today, in 6 hours, being i have to drive 4 to see him and he didnt sound enthoused about it at all. he kept telling me that hunting was more important and i asked him, "Do you really want me there?" nad he said "wat makes you think i dont?" and i can tell you right now, everything he said and the way he said it made me think he didnt want me there. i want to see him, lord knows i do but if he doesnt want to see me why should i put forth effort into a relationship that I'm not getting anything out of. I can be his friend, but not his lover right now. I may never get to be his lover and thats fine but right now its too much to bear on me. Like Sugarland says, "It's too much pain to have to bear, to love a man you have to share" and that's what I'm doing, sharing Matt with Mandy, and i fear whoever loves him, will always share him with her because he will never truly be able to give his heart to another the same way. which is fine but its not fair to her to share him with a memory.

No GAfan....Dont' give up!!!! I don't agree that you're "sharing" him with his deceased wife. If he loved her that much then his heart is real and not playing games. One day if he falls in love with you, wow, just imagine what you will have. He doesn't sound like a playboy. Man, that's the kind of love I want, someone who loves so much that it's there even after it's gone. That's unconditional love. She may be the greatest love he'll ever know but, he loved her first and you can't change the past. I'm not saying that it's easy. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt you but, does it also hurt you that HE hurts that much? If you do, then you really do care for him. Unless he's doing this same thing with other women, then hang on!!!! How long have you been "seeing" each other? If it's a year or less then just hang in there, do not back off yet. If it's a couple years and there still has been no romance then, maybe you're right, you may need to back off and maybe he will open his eyes as to what he's loosing. When he said, "What makes you think I don't?"about you going over....I'd bet that he wanted you there!!! If he would have said he didn't know if he wanted you there, then he likely didn't. Does he know how you feel? Did you ask him to put her memory away? If you did, you may have scared him. He may think that if he hurts for her in the future(like her bday or their anniversary, or just any day at random) and turns to you then he will be rejected. From the way it sounds, unless he finds "A Feeling Like That" then it's going to be hard to totally love again. I think the way you are with him either shows him that he can have that kind of love again or that it's not the same. If you've ever loved like that, you don't want the other person to become the person you lost but you want that same fulfillment. It's either there or it isn't. It's not something you can create, it's natural and it comes from how you show your love towards him. Do I think you deserve "better"? I think you deserve what is good and if a man can love this deeply what is better than that? If you really want this guy, then just remember that sometimes it takes a little more time for the other person to wake up and smell the roses. Treat him with all the love you have for him but, don't try to be "her", be yourself. Sit and listen to how he feels and tell him that, he's lucky to have known a love like he had with her. He may never love like that again but, he can fall in love again and it can be pretty dog gone close!!!!!! Maybe he's afraid to fall in love because he may also lose the next one he loves. Matters of the heart are so complicated but, I think if you really love someone then you shouldn't give up unless there is NO hope. You've got to stay a part of his life so that he sees that he doesn't want to be without you. If he wants to go hunting, fishing or anything like that and it's not to be with another woman, don't be upset. That's like a woman wanting to watch a chick flick. When he goes out and does these things be happy and ask about his adventure. Share his life with him. Don't try to get him out of the box he's so comfortble in. This is who he is. IF he goes hunting all day long but comes home to spend time with you...GREAT! Hunting season lasts a season and if he really enjoys it and you don't want him to do it, it puts a strike in your corner. When it's over, he will need something to do, grab him and do stuff to get you out. Have fun with him so that he doesn't feel tied down. Let him fall on his own and he'll likely fall hard. Be his best friend until then.

Sorry that I went on and on. I honestly feel that if you want to be with this guy that you shouldn't give up unless it's been years that you've been trying to be with him. Give him at least a full solid year if you haven't done so. The best things in life are worth waiting for.

Hey, I just realized something. Your name!!! Why don't you listen to that song THE ONE!!!! I was listening to my cds earlier and when that song came up. I said, that's it!!!! I came back to tell you but, this thing went wayyyyyyy to slow. Really listen to the words and keep your fingers crossed and hope that YOU are THE ONE!

Been in your shoes kinda. Dated a guy( and fell real hard ) that had been hurt pretty bad by his ex wife and a girlfriend too. He just wasn't ready to move on. All I can say girl, is be his friend. If it's meant to be, it will be. Trust me, honey....he's not ready. And you don't want to put yourself through all that. Been there. Done that. It hurts to love someone who doesn't have those same feelings for you. Don't put yourself through it. Let him heal.

that was an amazing novel and i will tell you that i went up there today at nine am got there at about 5 minutes to noon and just got home ten minutes ago. yeah it wasnt what i was expecting..... ( i was expecting a kiss maybe........ ) but you knwo what, i helped him skin his deer and we played with the dogs and things but what scared me was wen he got really quiet in the car on the way home form running errands for his mom. i asked him why he was quiet and he said "just thinking about alot of stuff" which in my mind read as, "thinking about mandy" so all i said was, "I am not even gonna ask" i said that because i know he wont open up to me. and yeah we havent been together long, and to make matters worse, he's leaving for the navy in january....... if not sooner, and this week he's leaving for wyoming and not coming back until two days before christmas. so i had intentions of not going to see him, but i'm glad i did. his mom is sweet and she made us dinner and of course she wouldnt let me leave without eating. i love her she;s awesome. i just wish he respected her more. he's always complaining about how he's got to put her things from the pasture away adn such. but she was a single mom all his life an he doesnt have the respect to do the littlest thing for her without ragging about it. and to me, my dad's words echoed in my head, "If you dont like the rules here then get the hell out!" and that to me made sense, matt is 20, has enough money to move out on his own but chooses to live at home. so i woudl think he'd be more respectful to his mommy. but im not him so who knows. he just seems kinda full of anger too cuz his sister was commenting on how he drives and that he needs to be more carfeul and he wigged out. and i said to him "HOney, we tell you this because we love you. not cuz we want to yell. we want to keep you here with us. be safe." and he shot me this death stare and i immediately gave it right back. but i'm gonna wait it out. if he's truly my friend and he truly values our friendship, then he'll come back to me. if not, then it wasnt ment to be. but i tell you right now, i love him, he's my buddy, and i want what's best for him. and he makes me laugh cuz i helped him skin his deer today and he said, "if we ever got married, ( i mean we most likely wont but just if....) you best have the bowls ready, the knives ready, and i hope you made the bed." apparently he's got this notion that every deer hunter gets action after a hunt. how silly.

i am i'm trying to keep my distance a lil. its working.

that;s awesome! i love that song btw. im going to go listen to it now.

GIRL, I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS....BUT HE SOUNDS LIKE MY FRIEND. HE'S A DOG. JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM. SOUNDS LIKE HE IS ONLY AFTER ONE THING. DON'T LET GO OF YOUR MORALS FOR ANYONE. IF HE CARED FOR YOU, HE'D WAIT FOR YOU AND I AM AFRAID YOU ARE GOING TO BE HURT IN THE END. DON'T COMPROMISE YOUR INTEGRITY. TRUST ME. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!! JUST VOICING MY OPINION! DON'T MEAN TO MAKE ANYBODY MAD. I WROTE THE WORDS DOWN TO "THE ONE" AND SENT THEM TO MY FRIEND. I HOPE HE THINKS OF ME NOW WHEN HE HEARS IT!

You are only 20, life is too short to chase someone who does not want to be chased. Don't walk away, run and if it was meant to be he will follow. If not there are other fish in the ocean of love. Someone better will swim along and sweep you off your feet.

thanks hun.

I've been reading what others say and I somewhat agree with what they say about moving on. I'm not sure that he sounds like a dog though. He just sounds like a guy who was crazily in love with his wife and it's still hurting inside that he can't have her. It's not a bad thing....it's a sad thing. Everyone should know a love like that. If you have and you've lost him/her, then you understand that it's not that easy to let go, no matter how hard you try or want to put it behind you. No matter how good the person is that you're with, they still can't take away the pain you sometimes feel. You just hopefully learn to live with it and move on and love again.

You can't push him into moving forward. That's true. It's something that may one day happen, but who knows if or when?? You may want to move on and see if there is someone else that you can be happy with. Life's too short to be alone BUT also remember, life's also way too short to choose the wrong guy/girl. If I were stuck on a guy and knew he was who I wanted to be with, I'd sacrifice a year of my life holding on, hoping that it would work. I may get my heart broken in the end but, I know what makes my heart happy and if I find it, I would gladly wait it out.


Honestly, I believe if you pray really hard and with all your heart for the right answer to come, it will. It may not be what you really want but, it will be the right answer.

I hope you find peace in your heart about this. We all deserve to love and be loved. I just wish it were as easy as shopping for a new car.

Until then, maybe you can get his bowls ready and his knives ready and fluff the pillows!


Happy Thanksgiving,
Madonna

i been trying to space myself from him. i called him once yesterday morning to wish him and the family happy turkey day. but that was it. he called me at like tne thirty last night to say the same thing. his granddad had a heart scare but he's ok i guess. he didnt say mucha bout it. I dont think im going to wait anymore. it snot fair to me and its certainly not fair to him since he's leaving for the navy and blah blah blah. but i wish i could collect those bowls and knives and make the bed sometimes. really i do. but again, he and i aint married yet..... we may never be...... but marry me first........ then we'll talka bout makin' that bed. but for now, he's my buddy, always will be, and i can only stand by and watch. thank you dear lady. I appreciate it very much. I appreciate all of you and the advice. it was very helpful.

You have to do what you think is best for you. If he's leaving with the NAVY, this may give him time to do some thinking. Hopefully in this time he'll come around to your way of thinking or you'll discover that he's not what you really want. Either way, I hope you and he both end up happy in the end.

Best wishes,
Madonna

what i think is best for me right now is to distance myself a little and work on me. not nobody else. just me. and get my life straight. forget those who arent all that important to me and get myself in order.

Never make someone your priority when they make you an option.

Are you going to keep in touch with him while he's away with the NAVY? It's a lonely life when you leave home even though you are with others who become your new friends. He still needs a connection to his home and those that care about him. He will NEED that more than you know. I'm not sure who you mean when you say "forget those who aren't all that important to me" but, even though he's not accepted your affections, I somehow still don't believe that he's one of those people. You sound like you're trying to build a wall around your heart to protect yourself. I may be wrong but, it sounds like that to me. Maybe that's what you mean by "work on me". I've done the same thing and it's really a safe place to be but, every time you hear that certain song or see something that reminds you of him, it all comes tumbling back. You may be able to hide it on the outside but your heart knows the truth.

I'm not sure what he knows of how you feel for him. Unless he knows exactly how you feel and has said there is NO WAY the two of you would ever be together the way you hope for AND you honestly feel that much for him, then I still think giving up is not the answer.

If it's because you want to work on you or see if he's really the right guy for you by dating others then I guess that's what you have to do.

I'm not trying to make it sound like I think you should stay. Only you can answer that and it seems that you've made up your mind about it. I do want to tell you that, just because you let him go doesn't mean that you're gonna forget about him. If you love this guy, you can tuck him way in the back of your mind but, as sure as I'm breathing, you will never forget how he makes you feel. What is a positive thing, although it doesn't seem like it is, that he didn't return those feelings and then you loose him. Maybe it's a blessing that he didn't if you never end up together. I promise you, it would only be worse. You'd be going through what he's going through with losing his wife.

Others may say that you're young, that you should move on and you'll love again. It's true, you can love again but sometimes, no matter how many years distance today and all the tomorrows to come, certain feelings just don't die, no matter how much you wish they would.

Keep your head up! Life is one crazy thing and love is even crazier but, there's a lot of happiness out there. Go out and find yours.

Take care,
Madonna

you know, i havent talked to him for awhile and it hurts. i dont feel the same or nothing. but today he calle dme to see how i was doing, and he asked me to go to his work x-mas party. me, i live 3 hours form him and i know there are women he knows he can take so my whole body screamed and said do it but my mind kinda stopped and said, hey, why is he askign you? and he keeps telling me that if i want to be in a relationship with him its my responsibility. i'm to take on all the work according to hima nd thats not right. idk...... i dont want to let him go liek i did ryan. but with ryan it was easier cuz ryan and i know that we like eachother and are attracted to eachother but we wont date because his requirement of dating is sex. and i wont give it to him. so ryan and i are friends because of that. and sometimes i think matt and i should ahve what ryan and i have. friens and nothing more. but i want more with matt. i just wish he'd respect my view on sex. ugh........ this is so annoying and i hate that he drags me around liek this but i cant let him go like i did ryan. its too hard to do.

HEY, I GUESS YOU ARE RIGHT, I PROBABLY USED THE WRONG WORD BY CALLING HIM A DOG. I APPOLOGIZE. I KNOW THE GUY IS IN LOVE WITH HIS WIFE. I JUST HATE TO SEE OUR FRIEND GET HURT, THAT'S ALL. HE IS APPARENTLY JUST NOT READY. BUT I HOPE SHE JUST FOLLOWS HER HEART. SOMETIMES, IT IS MEANT FOR US TO DO THAT. PERHAPS BECAUSE IT'S MEANT TO BE OR PERHAPS BECAUSE IT COULD BE A LIFE LESSON. BUT AT ANY RATE.... JUST BE CAUTIOUS GIRL! WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU AND HOPE IT WORKS OUT.

well ladies that matthew situation is doing ok. but i've decided to leave school for awhile to "find myself" i mean i felt since high school that college was thrown at me and that i need to do it right now or it'll never be there again. so now i've got to get two jobs, work my butt off for my dad to pay back all the money, and somehow find myself in this world for the moment. find out who i am. cuz lets be honest, what kind of so called, "good girl" "sweetheart" lies to her parents pretty much all the time and never talks to them abotu anyhting, yet can spill her heart to complete strangers???? Honestly, what kind of person does that??? ugh..... I need lots of prayers and thoughts lately everybody. just pray I make it through this.

If he's meant to be in your future - he will be. Don't throw away your schooling - that's something for you (or both of you if it works out) to build your future on. "Good girls" have problems too - it's just part of life.

it's kind of too late for that. I mean all i want to do is take a semester off or such you know, just to find myself. but my dad pretty much said, "You will pay me back every penny you owe me." so it may be awhile before i get back to going to school. I dont want to throw it away, i just dont want to go right this minute. i want to do somethign else first so i can appreciate going back.

Oh MY, I love that quote!

Trust me, go back to school. Especially when your parents are willing to pay for it. Even if you go part time or something keep going. Before you know it life will start passing you by and it's much harder to go back and do the work after you have kids.

he's not willing to pay for me anymore. and with the restrictions i have with final probation.... i have to take a year off anyhow. so hello reality

hello everybody..... I just htought I'd update you all and let you know that I let that sweet cowboy go. I couldnt take it anymore. I was forcing myself to love him and thats not right. to quote trent Wilmon, "Love dont have to be so hard" but I'm gonna keep Matt as a friend. I dont want to lose him completely. But i understand, he's still in love with Mandy, and thats something he's got to figure out. but i cant be part of that anymore. and i feel a heck of alot better now that he's gone from my heart as a lover. but as a friend, I'll always love him. but I'm much happier. Just thought I'd share the update.