Thought I'd start a post where you can post your favorite joke - should be lots of fun reading!
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a new preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again)
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Full Version: All Jokes post here
QUOTE (beccainfl @ Apr 10 2008, 04:45 PM) 
Thought I'd start a post where you can post your favorite joke - should be lots of fun reading!
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a new preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again)
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a new preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again)
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Becca
I love this! THanks for sharing.
When I have ore time I'll post one!
Very cute! Thanks for sharing. 
THIS IS A GOOD ONE!
CAKE OR BED?
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS
HONEY COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT HAS BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY - FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ONMY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO
FINE
THEN THE WIFE ASKS WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WONT CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED THE FRIDGE DOOR DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO
FINE SHE SAYS
THEN COULD YOU AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I AM NOT A CARPENTER AND I DONT WANT TO FIX THE STEPS. HE SAYS DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWEAR WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO..IVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU I AM GOING TO THE BAR
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.......
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE AND DECIDES TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED, THE HALL LIGHT WORKS AND AS HE GOES FOR A BEER NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED
HONEY HE ASKED HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED SHE SAID WELL WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED JUSTTHEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG AND I TOLD HIM
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS AND ALL I HAD T DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE HE SAID SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE
SHE REPLIED
HELLOOOOOOO
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD????
I DONT THINK SO!!!!!!
CAKE OR BED?
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS
HONEY COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT HAS BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY - FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ONMY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO
FINE
THEN THE WIFE ASKS WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WONT CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED THE FRIDGE DOOR DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO
FINE SHE SAYS
THEN COULD YOU AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I AM NOT A CARPENTER AND I DONT WANT TO FIX THE STEPS. HE SAYS DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWEAR WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO..IVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU I AM GOING TO THE BAR
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.......
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE AND DECIDES TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED, THE HALL LIGHT WORKS AND AS HE GOES FOR A BEER NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED
HONEY HE ASKED HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED SHE SAID WELL WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED JUSTTHEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG AND I TOLD HIM
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS AND ALL I HAD T DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE HE SAID SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE
SHE REPLIED
HELLOOOOOOO
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD????
I DONT THINK SO!!!!!!
You're wrong - that was not a good one --- it was a great one!
Love your banner!
Love your banner!
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said. "It's rust."
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said. "It's rust."
Loved this one. Hopefully a lot of guys will read this and learn a lesson. DON'T TAKE US WOMEN FOR GRANTED!
QUOTE (beccainfl @ Apr 11 2008, 04:28 PM)
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said. "It's rust."
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said. "It's rust."
That's pretty good!
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'
The Agriculture representative said, “Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!”‘
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned
prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'
The Agriculture representative said, “Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!”‘
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned
prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
This one is for Gary ... since he likes to golf ...
Two men were playing golf. On the ninth hole one of the men was in mid
swing when he saw a funeral cortege passing by on a road that bordered
the course. He checked his swing, doffed his cap and lowered his head in
prayer. His partner followed his lead and did the same. After the
procession had passed his partner said, “ That was a very sensitive
thing you just did.”, to which the man replied, “ Well she was a good
wife for thirty five years…”
Two men were playing golf. On the ninth hole one of the men was in mid
swing when he saw a funeral cortege passing by on a road that bordered
the course. He checked his swing, doffed his cap and lowered his head in
prayer. His partner followed his lead and did the same. After the
procession had passed his partner said, “ That was a very sensitive
thing you just did.”, to which the man replied, “ Well she was a good
wife for thirty five years…”
The Cab Driver
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years
Nuns Redecorating
The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. "And don't get a drop of paint on your habits," she sternly admonishes.
The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take them off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" asks one of the nuns. "Blind man," comes the reply.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. "No harm letting him in," one says, and opens the door.
"Whoa, sister! Where do you want these blinds?"
This is short and sweet....
2 guys walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducked.....
(please pm me if you need help, make sure that you read it out loud!)
2 guys walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducked.....
(please pm me if you need help, make sure that you read it out loud!)
Where is the dog with no legs? ..........Where ever you left him.
why does a shark swim in salt water? ........Because pepper made him sneeze.
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?........DAM!
What is the only mammal that is always wet?.........The Raindeer
why does a shark swim in salt water? ........Because pepper made him sneeze.
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?........DAM!
What is the only mammal that is always wet?.........The Raindeer
HUMAN RACE
A LITTLE GIRL ASKED HER MOTHER: " HOW DID THE HUMAN RACE BEGIN?"
THE MOTHER ANSWERED:"GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE AND THEY HAD CHILDREN,AND SO WAS ALL MANKIND MADE."
TWO DAYS LATER THE LITTLE GIRL ASKED HER FATHER THE SAME QUESTION: "HOW DID THE HUMAN RACE BEGIN?"
THE FATHER ANSWERED:"MANY YEARS AGO THERE WERE MONKEYS FROM WHICH THE HUMAN RACE EVOLVED."
THE CONFUSED LITTLE GIRL RETURNED TO HER MOTHER AND SAID: "MOM,HOW IS IT THAT YOU TOLD ME THE HUMAN RACE WAS CREATED BY GOD,AND DAD SAID THEY DEVELOPED FROM MONKEY'S?"
THE MOTHER ANSWERED:"WELL, DEAR, IT IS VERY SIMPLE,I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY AND YOUR DAD TOLD YOU ABOUT HIS."
A LITTLE GIRL ASKED HER MOTHER: " HOW DID THE HUMAN RACE BEGIN?"
THE MOTHER ANSWERED:"GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE AND THEY HAD CHILDREN,AND SO WAS ALL MANKIND MADE."
TWO DAYS LATER THE LITTLE GIRL ASKED HER FATHER THE SAME QUESTION: "HOW DID THE HUMAN RACE BEGIN?"
THE FATHER ANSWERED:"MANY YEARS AGO THERE WERE MONKEYS FROM WHICH THE HUMAN RACE EVOLVED."
THE CONFUSED LITTLE GIRL RETURNED TO HER MOTHER AND SAID: "MOM,HOW IS IT THAT YOU TOLD ME THE HUMAN RACE WAS CREATED BY GOD,AND DAD SAID THEY DEVELOPED FROM MONKEY'S?"
THE MOTHER ANSWERED:"WELL, DEAR, IT IS VERY SIMPLE,I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY AND YOUR DAD TOLD YOU ABOUT HIS."
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
Listened a moment and said 'How should I know,
that's 300 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
Listened a moment and said 'How should I know,
that's 300 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank
The bee answered,
Bp
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank
The bee answered,
Bp
Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than MEETS the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
ABOUT a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you ?? Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
Soon he sat down and wrote:
---------------------------------
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
BUT the fact remains that IF Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than MEETS the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
ABOUT a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you ?? Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
Soon he sat down and wrote:
---------------------------------
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
BUT the fact remains that IF Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Those are to funny! Thanks for the laughs!
A plane is on its way to Los Angeles when a blonde in Economy Class get up
and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that
she will have to go and sit in the back .
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Los Angeles
and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and
she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Los Angeles
and I'm staying right here!
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they
land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married
to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm
sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Los Angeles .."
and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that
she will have to go and sit in the back .
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Los Angeles
and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and
she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Los Angeles
and I'm staying right here!
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they
land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married
to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm
sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Los Angeles .."
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